I have some bad habits that are making me sick. Habits I can’t seem to break even though I know they are bad for my emotional and mental health. I tell myself all the time that I need to stop. Go 30 days without doing x,y,z. After 30 days you won’t need to be doing these things. They are bad, stop!
I can’t go into great detail of some of these bad habits because they have to do with other people but one is letting what happened in the past, letting my memories, dictate what I do now or how I feel now. A memory will pop into my mind and the whole day will be shot. I won’t be able to move forward or out of my memories. I haven’t gotten to a place where I can pull myself out of the hurt of the memory. I haven’t resolved what has been done to myself or my boys. I don’t know how.
I want so badly to move forward with my life. To leave all the bad stuff behind and never think of it again but I don’t know how. I don’t know what I should be doing. Most of the time I think that if I just leave my husband and don’t have to deal with him that I will resolve it. Another part, maybe a more realistic part, says that won’t happen. We have 2 boys and because of that I will always have to deal with this man. And even if we didn’t have kids I would still have to move through the emotional pain I’ve lived through.
Maybe it is hard for me because although the cheating was bad, it was really all the other stuff that keeps me hurting. The emotional abuse. The verbal abuse that started at the beginning of our relationship, that I didn’t realize was happening until very recently. The fact that I believed what he said about me for years. Maybe I’m not moving forward because I allowed this to happen to me and now I am over vigilant about protecting myself.
I don’t really know what is going on with me but I want to change my bad habits. I want out of this infinite loop of emotional pain I’m in. I want to break out of this. So it’s time to hold myself accountable. The habits I know I can stop doing are going to stop today. I may not be able to pull myself out of my memories but I can try. I can try to move forward with my life. I might fail one day but if I keep trying I’m hopeful I can move forward.