So I was looking up life journal prompts on Google. I came across a website called Daring to Live Fully. I found a post on journal prompts and the first one I read was, “What scares you?” I really wanted to write about this because I don’t often speak about my fears. I’ve never allowed myself to be vulnerable in that way because up until recently I always viewed vulnerability as a weakness. I know now that being vulnerable is very much the opposite of weakness. It is bravery. I want to be brave so I’m going to be vulnerable for only the second time in my life that I can remember and write about what scares me.
What Scares Me
My biggest fear in life is that I am unlovable. I believe to the core of my being that my father does not and never has loved me. I believe that my mother loves me but only when I live up to her expectations. I have believed in the past that my husband cheated on me because I am unlovable. I believe that I do not deserve love but I want it so badly that I stayed in a marriage (and still am in a marriage) that any woman with any self-respect would have left by now. I am scared I will go through my entire life never feeling loved by anyone. I don’t think this is an uncommon fear but it is one that drives me so strongly that I put aside my beliefs and morals for it. I’m also afraid that I will never feel love because I think I don’t deserve it, so I stay in a horrible relationship that is unloving. It’s a catch 22 I’m trying to work out but that is my greatest fear. That I will never feel what real, unconditional love feels like.