So I’m looking at my blog calendar and realized that I only did three posts last month and my blog was down for two weeks. I feel like the worst blogger ever. I probably am anyways but whatever, not the point. Life has obviously been crazy but that is everyone’s life right? I mean, my life doesn’t seem extra crazy or out of the ordinary. It just keeps going and I keep rolling with it.
My first semester back at school is almost over, thank God! My last day of class is on Tuesday and it should be fairly easy. This week it’s just doing all the chapter reviews for my math class and re-reading all the essays and narratives I’ve read in my english class. No major studying is necessary which is nice; I feel like I’ve been going and going for 2 months and am finally getting a small break.
The kids school is coming to an end as well. Gray’s last day is on Friday which will be a half day and Odin’s last day is on the 24th but he’ll actually be missing the last week of school. I’m a little sad that he’ll be missing the last week because that is when they do all the fun end of the year stuff but I know both boys and Nick will be having fun up in Alaska visiting their Wawa and Guido. They will be in Alaska for a week having a boys weekend while Dessa and I stay behind for some one on one girl time.
Nick and I have been in a rough patch for the past month but things seem to be making a turn around. I have to say that I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship and I can’t seem to figure it out. I understand that relationships have ebbs and flows but I’m getting really tired of this relationships ebb and flow. I feel like after everything that has happened I, at some point, should get a break from this. I’ve honestly been thinking a lot of what it would be like to leave Nick and I feel like there is a weight lifted off my chest. I don’t feel like he puts in very much effort and I don’t feel like he ever has. He does make an effort sometimes but only when he wants to. I never feel like he is stretching himself to change. Then I think that I shouldn’t be trying to change my partner. I honestly feel that if he’s okay with the way things are then he should just be honest and except that I’m not and amicably separate and co-parent our kids the best we can. Whenever I bring this up he brushes it off and all I really want from him is some kind of plan or some kind of brutal honestly.
I’ve said since 2014 when everything exploded that all I want is for there to be a clear defined plan on how Nick is going to be different in this relationship. Whether that is to just be honest and say that he isn’t going to change or an actual real plan to make sure what has happened in the past never happens again. He always says that it won’t happen again but I’m not going to trust talk. He has said a lot of things for a long time but I haven’t seen many of those things turned into positive action. I think I’m just getting restless waiting around. I’m trying to be loyal but it’s hard to be loyal to person who isn’t loyal to me and doesn’t seem to have much respect for me. At one point in my life I loved this man very much but the older I get the more I question how I feel.
And that’s been my life for the past month or two. It really doesn’t seem any different from any other time but maybe one day I’ll look back at this and facepalm myself for not seeing the obvious. I have found that I do that a lot these days.