I don’t know what is going on with me. Since the end of June/beginning of July I just haven’t been myself. Even now as I write this I feel a crushing weight of uncertainty in everything I do. It’s just not working, I’m not working. I wake up everyday and just want to pull the blanket over my head until I feel better.
I feel like the world is dumping every problem ever on my shoulders and it’s up to me to sort through and fix them all by myself but there are just some things I can’t fix. That doesn’t stop this invisible monster from telling me that I should be able to fix all of it. The worst part is that these feelings have paralyzed me while simultaneously bringing back every negative coping mechanism I have.
I keep trying to push through. I keep thinking today is the day where I change things, where things get better. It hasn’t been though. I’ve always been really good about pulling myself out of these ruts but this time feels impossible. I’ve listened to upbeat music, pushed to do the things that used to make me happy, tried something new, read articles on anxiety and depression, watched videos that were meant to inspire me, wrote in my journal, wrote in my gratitude journal, made goals, got out of the house, listened to podcasts. If you can think it, I’ve done it.
Now I just want to sit and wallow it. I give up. I can’t beat this so I might as well join it. If depression wants my company it can have all of it. I find that most people can’t stand my company for more than a week at a time so maybe if it sits with all of me for long enough it will go on its own.
*Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal. This isn’t some long-winded letter about my ending. That isn’t my thing, I’m not selfish enough for that. I’m just frustrated and annoyed and want to stick my foot up depressions ass!