I have never in my life wanted to escape more than I do now. Things are getting worse and worse and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do. I keep reading the CBT book my counselor wanted me to read but nothing is changing. I’m not changing, my husband isn’t changing. Nothing is. Why aren’t things getting better? Why are things getting worse? Why can’t I just forget about all this and move on? Why can’t I find the strength to just leave him if that is what I want to do? Why don’t I know what I want to do? Are these questions even valid questions? I keep feeling like there is something I am supposed to be doing but I don’t know what it is. Do I just have too much time on my hands? Should I just find more stuff to do to preoccupy my time? Will things get better when I start school? Am I just trying to ignore my problems? I’m driving myself crazy. I just don’t know what to do, not even a little bit.
I look around at all the people I know or even strangers and I think to myself how do they do it. Then I think I’m delusional if I think people are happy all the time or that they’ve never been through a rough patch. I know I’m not the only person who has gone through this but I feel totally alone. I’m just at a loss and I feel like I am at a crossroad. I feel like I’m looking at the divide and I’m trying to see where each path will take me but I can’t see either path clearly, like there is fog covering everything but the fork in the road.
I keep going over everything that happened in my head and then I try to go over what might happen if I leave him. I try to figure out what might happen if I stay with my husband but there are too many ‘what ifs’. What if he just finds a way to hide things better? What if he doesn’t change? What if he does actually change? What if he changes but I can’t get over what he did? The questions just go on and on and on. Like I’m Alice falling through the rabbit hole. God, I should change my name to Alice with the Wonderland I’m living in. I don’t know, maybe I should stop focusing on all this and maybe just focus on me. Maybe I should figure out how to be the person I want to be and all this stuff will either fit into that or it won’t. Then I’ll know what to do.